halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
