why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
