i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
