I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
