I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
