There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
