I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
