jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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