I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
