he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
