Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
