I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
