Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
