Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
