mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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