shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
