So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
