Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
