Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
