This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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