So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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