why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
