dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
