4 words: hood of his car
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
