i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
