Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
