The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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