We named our party play list daddy issues
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
3pm strippers are depressing
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
