Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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