Your dad touched me again.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Four minutes until I can fart!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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