My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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