I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
