And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
