FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
