So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
