I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
