he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
