my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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