walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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