And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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