hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
