Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
