70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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