your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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