so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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