i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
