i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
