So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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