There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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