You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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